Where do I begin?  I think my parents knew that I was different at an early age.  I didn’t go in for dolls and frilly, lacey things.  I was a real terror around the house, I loved mud, I always liked to wear pants and my hair was always cut short.  I think I was more boy than girl even then.

 

I say they knew or I think they did, but I don’t think they were ready to accept it if it were true.  This is what drove us apart and caused me to run away in the first place. I couldn’t take the look in my dad’s eyes when he found out I was gay.  He looked at me as if I was someone he didn’t want around.  There were no hugs and kisses.  There were no shows of affection, just looks of disdain or maybe it was disappointment.

 

I didn’t realize I was different until I was in the eighth grade. That was when I had my first encounter with boys. There were a group of ne’er -do- wells that were always picking on someone.  One day it became my turn. I was a big girl and at the time I was even bigger than a lot of the guys.  For this reason I got called names like gargantuan or big bertha.  One boy in the group called me a misfit and that got me angry for the first time from being teased. 

 

I attacked the boy and knocked him down.  Before I could do any damage the teacher separated us, but not before I had bloodied his nose. He became the laughing stock and he was determined to get even.  I didn’t realize how mean boys could be; I was soon to find out.

 

I didn’t like to go right home after school and would spend time in the school library reading or doing my homework.  One day as I was leaving the library a group of boys headed by the one who’s nose I had bloodied surrounded me at my locker. There were no teachers around to help me and the boys grabbed me and took me into the boy’s locker room.  I struggled but there were four of them and I wasn’t strong enough to fight them off. There was no one around to hear me scream so I finally just went along.

 

I didn’t know what to expect.  My parents hadn’t had “the talk” with me yet.  Once in the locker room the boys held me down on the floor, one of them sat on me and began to unbutton my blouse. When he had it open he pulled my bra up and exposed my breast. The boy sitting on my stomach grabbed my breast and squeezed them and pinched my nipples. The other boys laughed urging him to “Suck her tits Matt, Suck them I dare you.”

 

Matt fondled me and then he bent over and licked my nipples then he stood up and unzipped his pants, it was the first time I had seen a penis up close. He sat back down and waved it in my face, ” Suck on this bitch, I’m gonna shoot all over your face.” He bragged while the other boys laughed.

 

A noise came from the hall and I screamed. The boys all jumped up and ran out, Matt tugging his pants up as he ran away.  The door opened and the Librarian came into the locker room.  She took one look at my condition and knew what had happened. She gave me a look of disgust as if to say, “You should be a shamed of yourself.”  As if it was my fault and that I had come there on my own and was letting the boys have their way. It was the first time I cried because of what someone thought of me.

 

Kids can be cruel, but this was an adult and her look hurt more than what the boys had done. I don’t know if that was what made me turn away from boys.  I know I didn’t ever want a boy to touch me again, not like that anyway. If the librarian hadn’t come along that day I may have been raped or beaten, but the fact that someone thought so low of me without knowing the truth hurt more than any beating I may have taken.

 

 

2.

 

I never did turn the boys in, the librarian and I talked about it and she convinced me that it would only look bad for me, the boys would stick together and say I lead them there and I was willing.  Four against one put me on the wrong end of trouble. I took my revenge later.

 

I waited until I found each of the boys sitting with a girl they were trying to date and then I joined them, I asked the girl if she had been initiated in to the club yet? Then I explained that anyone dating this guy had to strip and give him head in front of the others. The word soon got around what had happened with me and while my name may have been soiled theirs was mud.

 

I was never a pretty girl, I kept my hair short and since I was big not only tall but also stocky I was soon stereo typed by my looks as a dyke. I had to look it up to see what they were calling me and when I found out I decided if that’s who I am so be it. I then made the mistake of telling my parents.

 

At first my Mom tried to make me feel different.  She told me that kids called people names out of spite. They didn’t mean it or that they didn’t understand what they were saying.  My Dad took a different view. He looked at me for the first time with a look of disgust. It was from that day on I never was close to my dad again.  He never held me or gave me a hug or kiss.

 

My mom tried to help me but then even she realized I was different and there was nothing she could do. Times together in the house became strained.  Dad would finish eating and leave the table not saying a word.  Mom was often off by herself, sometimes crying.

 

When I turned sixteen I got a job flipping burgers. I worked when ever I could often taking other peoples shift for them so that I could earn more money.  I wanted to get away from home, but I needed money to live on and to travel with. At the end of my senior school year I had saved up $500.00.  For graduation my parents gave me a thousand dollars they had put aside for my collage fund. This was my escape fund.

 

Living in a small town I yearned to be free of the all-knowing looks, attitudes and judgements of the people. I still wasn’t aware I was gay, I guess they knew me better than I knew my self. My parents didn’t make any attempt to stop me from leaving; it was almost as if they were relieved I was going. That hurt more than anything did.

Kansas City wasn’t a big town like New York or Chicago, but it was the closest place I could get to and still have money to start a new life with. I figured I could fine work there and get myself an apartment and start a new life. If ever there was a girl waiting to be used I was it. My dreams of a new life became a reality in hurry and a nightmare over night.

 

3.

 

When I arrived at the bus station I asked a lady at the ticket counter about cheap places to stay and she directed me to a small motel near by.  She must have seen lot’s of girls like me come through there and was steering me into my first trouble. I spent the first night on my own in a seedy run down motel, the bed was so soft it sunk in the middle.  The room smelled of cigarettes and beer. The ice machine didn’t work and the fan on the air conditioner made a whirring sound whenever it kicked in. So much for the good life!

 

I bought a newspaper and while I had breakfast at a barf and go I searched the want ads for a job. I circled a few that looked promising and returned to my room to make a few calls. Getting around in the city was not going to be easy. There were only three ways to go walk, take a bus or take a cab. None of which did me much good, as I didn’t have a clue where anything was.  I found a map in the phone book and did some checking to find where I was at and where I needed to go.

 

What I hadn’t planned on was how far everything was from anything, and how interviews were one place and the jobs were another.  I soon found out a high school education wasn’t much good against all the college educated people when applying for the better jobs. After a week of visiting many of the jobs in the paper it was clear I wasn’t going to get hired for that kind of work.  Having to take cabs and busses, eat and moving to a better motel used up most of my money before I knew it. I would have to find something soon.

The other sad note was I realized there wasn’t any low rent districts near to the places I had hope to work at.  Even if I found a job how was I going to get back and forth? To get around in the big city you needed a car. Now I was faced with finding a job, finding a place to live cheap, and finding transportation.

The problems all seem to affect one another. If I found a job how would I get there, if I found a place to live was there work nearby. Was there a means to get from one to the other? Kinda reminds you of the story of which came first the chicken or the egg.

 

I decided I better find a job first before I ran out of money, then I could work out the rest. Since my only experience had been flipping burgers I hit the fast food places first. It being summer and all the high school kids out for the summer they were all full. Then I decided to try the temp services and see what they might have, again the pickings were slim and required experience.

 

I read an ad for a sales person, willing to travel, high commissions, paid weekly. I called and the guys said he was holding interviews that afternoon and could I come by. I got directions to the hotel and put on my best outfit and went to see him.

 

He turned out to be the beginning of my new life one that would change me forever. The job was working on a crew of kids going door to door selling cleaning supplies. He showed me all the big figures of how much everyone was making and how easy it was. I was excited and when he said I could start right away and that I would be staying in motels so I wouldn’t need a place to stay permanently it solved two of my problems.  Then he said that I would be riding with others in a crew so I didn’t need a car I thought all my problems were solved.

 

I went back to my room and backed everything, and then I went to the desk and paid my bill. I had $300.00 left of my original $1500.00. I was told we were paid weekly so I thought I would be find till I got paid.

It didn’t take long till I was out of money; pay was to little and often to late.

 

4.

 

There were four of us in the crew. Three girls and one guy who was in charge. The deal was we were given a couple hours of training on how to sell the product and then taken to a town and dropped off.  We went door to door and tried to sell our stuff and then we were picked up at a certain time to turn in our orders.  Then we went to a motel and the three girls had one room while the guy had his own. If we had a bad day selling we were warned to do better or else we would have to leave the crew. One of the girls couldn’t take the constant turn downs and running around not eating and having to share a room so she told the crew chief she wanted out.

 

What she learned was she owed more money than she had made.  It was then we found out we had to share the cost of the room, transportation and a portion of the commissions for the crew chief.  Sure she could go, but first she had to pay up. We all soon learned if sales were down we stood a good chance of being left along the road unless we wanted to work it off in a different way.

 

When Julie came back to the room we heard about the other way. Seems that the crews stopped at the same motels along a specified route and there were always one or two girls that didn’t make it selling so they were given the alternative. Pay up or put out. There was always traveling men wanting company and for a price the crew chief made the arrangements collected the money and took his cut. That first crew I worked was six weeks of hell. At the end of the six weeks I had made some money but it wasn’t enough to get an apartment or a car. I decided to give it another try.

 

Before I was allowed to go out I was taken a side and told if I said anything to the other girls about what went on I would be sorry and would be making trouble for myself.  I should have known then, but I was to scare. I didn’t think it would happen to me, how wrong I was.

 

The second week out in the new area I was called in by the crew chief. I had been having a string of bad luck and my sales were down. He reminded me of the rules and then he asked me a startling question.

“Are you a Lesbian?” After the attack by the boys and the name-calling I had done some research about dykes and knew what a lesbian was, but I didn’t think of myself as one, I had never been with a woman of a man for that matter.  I was still a virgin. I tried to be brave and answered, “That’s none of your business.”

 

What he did next was so sudden I didn’t see it coming. He slapped me face so hard it knocked me on the bed. ” Now you listen to me you little bitch, I run this show and if I tell you to do something don’t you dare sass me. If I ask you a question you answer me.”  His face was red and his veins in his next stood out. “Now I have a job for you to do and you had better do it right.  Do you understand?”

 

I was so scared, the tears were welling in my eyes. I just shook my head to afraid to speak. Then he told me to go to my room and put on some nice clothes and come back to the room.  I left rubbing my face and the tears now running down my face.  I wiped them away before I got back to the room; I didn’t want to have to explain what happen to the other girls.

 

I chose a blue half top, which showed off my midriff and a pair of white shorts with a pair of sandals. I hoped it would be all right, I didn’t know where I might be going.  As it turned out “We” weren’t going anywhere, I was. At 7 PM a knock came at the door.  I was told to answer it. There stood a woman in her forties well dressed, with too much make up and a short-cropped hair do. I backed away and let her enter the room. It seemed as if she couldn’t take her eyes off me. Then she asked me to turn around in a circle. As I spun around she reached out to touch my shoulder and my neck.” She will do wonderfully, I hope she is as good as she looks.” I didn’t like the sound of this but I was still too scared to say anything.

 

The woman went to the door and opened it and beckoned for me to leave.  She followed me out to her car and motioned for me to get in. We drove to an area of town I hadn’t seen; the homes were all large and expensive. As she drove into the driveway of one of the homes the garage door opened and she drove in and shut off the motor. The door was closing as we got out and we were bathed in the overhead light. “Don’t be afraid you’re going to be just fine.” She said to soothe the puzzled look on my face.

 

She led me in thru the kitchen; large and filled with the aroma of fresh baked bread. I hadn’t eaten and the smell made my stomach growl. In the living room there was a small wet bar in the corner, a large screen TV fill most of one wall and there were chairs and a large leather couch for furnishings. End tables were at either end of the couch and large marble coffee table set in front of it. A fireplace with a marble mantle and hearth went up the wall opposite. I had never been in a home this elegant.

 

The lady went to the bar and fixed a drink for herself. Then she turned to me and asked if I would like one as well. I had never had a drink of alcohol before. She saw the look on my face and said, “I bet you haven’t drank before have you? Well then let me fix you something I think you will like and see what you say.”

 

The drink was sweet something with coke mixed together.  I drank a little and watched her as she drank hers.  Why was I here I wondered? As if on cue She asked,” Were you told anything about tonight? You look so surprised at everything. I am not going to hurt you and I hope you will enjoy yourself as well.”

 

She finished her drink and I did mine then she fixed us each another. “Come let me show you my home.”

She said taking my arm and leading me to the upstairs. There were three bedrooms, two were for quest and the third a master bedroom, larger than the others and furnished with a large chest of drawers and an amour and vanity table.  There was one wall of walk in closets and the master bath off it.  The bed was a king covered with a flower spread. Pillows at the head as well as throws on top. I was in awe.

 

As if sensing my feeling she went to sit on the bed and patted the space next to her motioning for me to join her. I went and sat beside her.  She took my drink and placed it on the nightstand then turned to me. “Have you ever done this before?” I knew what she meant and shook my head. “Well maybe it would be better if I turned the lights down.” She touched a remote on the nightstand and the lights dimmed.

 

Then she stood up and began to remove her clothes.  It was like magic; as she striped I found I couldn’t take my eyes off her. When she let her bra fall and her breast broke free I wanted to reach out and touch them. Then she came to me on the edge of the bed and took my head in her hands and pressed it to her breast. I didn’t know how to react so I opened my mouth and took her nipple in my lips. She sighed as I switched from one to the other. As if by there own my hands rose up and held each firm breast as I continue to nibble and suck on her tits.

 

She broke free from me and pulled me to me feet.  She took my blouse and pulled it off, then undid my bra releasing my breast. She unsnapped my shorts and slowly pulled them down taking my panties with them. I stood before her naked. It was my first encounter with a woman. She was so gentle and she knew all the right places to touch me.  She showed me how to make her feel good as well and we spent the remainder of the night exploring new things for me and new territory for her.

 

5.

 

The next day I awoke in her big bed alone. There was a note next tot he bed, “I really enjoyed you last night, I have gone to work and will make arrangements with your boss so you don’t have to work today.

There is plenty of food and a selection of movies to choose from.  The naughty ones are in the night stand.”

 

Sometime during the night she had told me she wanted me to stay over and I had agreed. I didn’t want to go back to work ever. I didn’t know I could feel so good as I had last night. I wanted to spend my life here in this house, with this woman if she wanted me. I knew I was supposed to be with women and not men.

 

To bad the euphoria only lasted another night. When she got home that evening she brought a pizza with her.  She didn’t want to cook she said and this way we could eat while we watched movies.  I had been watching TV all day but when she said movies I found out what she meant by the naughty ones. When the first movie started we were having pizza and a beer before it was half way done we were naked and the pizza was getting cold and the beer flat. I caught only glimpses of the movie as we renewed the previous night’s activities.  Exhausted we finally collapsed on the bed and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

 

In the morning she woke me and told me to dress.  After breakfast she drove me back to the motel.

I was sure she was going to tell my crew chief that we were going to stay together but instead she handed him $200.00 and then gave me a hundred,” She was the best yet, babe catch you on the next go round.”

Then she got in her car and drove off. I was back where I started.

 

I was so disappointed I went to my room to change and vent my frustrations. While I was taking a shower the crew chief came in to the room got undressed and slipped into the shower with me. I felt so dirty from the way she had used me I didn’t care. I guess you could call it rape but since I didn’t fight him maybe not.  Anyway when he was thru with me I knew I was thru with this.  The next time I did any sex it was going to be for me.

 

 

6.

 

The rest of the week I worked hard and my sales went up. At the end of the week we were returning to Kansas City and I was gonna get free of this job. I didn’t care what I had to do I was not going back on the road.

 

Little did I know what lay in store for me? It only took a week to go thru what little money I had. It was either go back home or find something to make enough to live on. While filling out an application for employment I met a cute little blonde. She asked me how long I had been looking and when I said forever she asked, “Would you consider dancing?” Me a dancer, no way.

 

 She told me that she was doing it and she made good money. If something else comes up she is going to quit but for now it pays the bills. Then the clincher; did I want to stay with her and share an apartment.

I was on the verge of calling home and begging them to send me money to come home. I agreed and the smile on my face told her how much I appreciated the offer.

 

We went outside and she led me to her car. Then she drove me to pick up my things and clear my bill.  Before going to her place we drove by the club where she worked so I could meet the owner and ask about work. He wasn’t very nice about it but agreed to let me start and see what developed.

 

At the apartment she showed me to my room and explained the last girl had gotten married and moved out last week, I was a blessing to come and help with the rent. Next she brought out some costumes for me to try on. There wasn’t much to them and they fit a little tight in spots but they would work for now. Then she started to show me some of the moved she used and how she removed the costumes little by little. When she was done she had me try. At first I was all thumbs and claws. But she worked with me until I had a little routine and told me to do what comes natural.

 

The work out had me all sweaty so I asked if it was all right if I took a shower. She said sure and why don’t she join me. Not wanting to lose my new home I didn’t say anything and simply striped and headed for the bath. With the water cascading over my face and shoulders she slipped in behind me and took the soap and began to wash my back. As the soap ran down into my ass she coyly slipped a finger in and tickled me.

Then turned me around to face her and washed the front of me, paying more attention to two areas’s then to others.

 

When I had rinsed off she handed me the soap.  I knew what she expected and began on her. When we were both clean we stepped out and with big terry towels dried each other off. “Oh I see where this could be the start of something nice.” She said as she pecked me on the lips. “Don’t get me wrong, I like men, but I enjoy women too.”

 

My head was now swirling. I wasn’t sure what was happening in my life.  I decided I needed to talk to someone.  I called my Mom, collect. And when she answered I was almost in tears. I tried to tell her how lonely I was, how much I missed home but before I could my dad got on the line and said, ” Don’t call here anymore, you made your choice now it’s your life leave us out of it” Then he hung up.

 

How I wanted to tell him I made a mistake, I wanted him to love me. I needed them to care about me. I knew he wouldn’t listen, I knew he would never understand.

 

It was the second time I cried about who and what I was.

 

My new friend was all I had for now.  The new life was about to begin.

 

7

 

Dancing turned out to be fun for a while.  The guys were rowdy but they tipped well, getting used to walking around with no top on among a bunch of drunks took some doing. I learned the art of lap dancing and with my big tits got called on a lot. Together with the dancing money I was clearing $300 a night after only three weeks.

 

The big bucks were the hook, I told my roomy I might never look for another job.  Then she dropped the bomb on me. “Have you had your session with Nick?” She asked. The dumb look on my face answered her question. “Well after the first month, when the money is getting good he’s going to call you in and if you want to stay on as a dancer your going to have to do more than dance. I didn’t tell you in the beginning because I didn’t want to scare you away.  I needed a roommate and you needed a place.”

 

“Just what more is he expecting?” I knew I just wanted her to say it.” Are you doing it now?”

 

“Yes I had to perform for Nick in private then I had to perform on Nick.” She said poking her fingers down her throat. “He’s a disgusting pig, I jerked him off in his office and then someone came in and I had to suck his cock.”

 

“I have only done it once, and that was not because I wanted to. I did it with a women and that was fun for two nights, but she paid for me I don’t know if I could do it with men very often.”

“Once you have done it once you can learn to fake it after that, Just make sure you get you money, never give it away free.”

 

It was A new twist to my life.  I didn’t have to wait long for the call. Nick sent word he wanted to see me the next night. When I got to his office there were two men with him. He didn’t waste anytime, “Honey you been here three weeks now, how do you like it? Are you making good money?” I knew where he was going.

 

I told him I had meant to thank him for the opportunity and that I was getting the hang of things.

 

“I ‘m glad to hear that. Now I need you to do me a little favor.  Normally I try things out for myself first but since I’ve been busy I’m going to pass this here is Jack and Bill, they are in town for a day and want to have some fun. Now I want you to go get changed and go with these two and have a party. I’ll be sure to make it worth you while.”

 

“Nick I’ve never done anything like that before, I don’t know if I can. What will I have to do?”

 

‘Honey just be nice to them and they will be nice to you. Now go change and they will wait for you out front.”

 

What have I got myself into? I wish I were home with Mom and Dad. I wish they would just understand me. I don’t want to be like this.

 

I sat in back seat of the car with Bill, I wasn’t wearing much, just shorts and a t-top. I had stopped wearing a bra since the first week of working as a dancer. Bill put his hand on my knee and turned to me and said,” It’s a long way to the motel, why don’t we get aquatinted on the way?” Then he slid his hand to my crotch.

While his hand was busy feeling my pussy his head was busy at my breast. He was eager for action.

As I found out when he pulled my hand to his crotch.  His manhood was throbbing.

 

I found his zipper and pulled it down then brought his cock out of his pants. As I jerked him off he had my T up and was licking at my tits. He was excited and then he grabbed my head he told me to go down on him. I had never sucked a cock; the thought made me sick.  “Come on baby take my cock in your mouth like a good girl and suck me off.” He demanded.

 

I knew I was gonna be sick and when he force his cock in my mouth I choked and gagged. It didn’t matter to him he just pushed my head down and his cock filled my mouth to my throat. He shot his load so quickly and with such force I didn’t have time to react. The cum filled my mouth and I was forced to swallow.

When he finally let go of my head I pulled my head away and threw up on the floor of the car.

 

“What’s the matter honey too much for you?’ he laughed. “Hey Jack the rental company is not going to like this mess. Better get this bitch to the motel before she makes it any worse.”

 

The Hospital:

 

“It looks like she has been raped before she cut her wrist. I’ll do a rape kit to be sure. I think we saved her but another few minutes and she would have been gone.” The doctor was telling the nurse.

 

Oh why did they have to save me? Can’t they see I want to die? What those men did to me will never change. I can’t live with the feeling of being so dirty. If only my parents could understand me. I don’t want this to go on, I can’t live like this anymore.  

 

If they let me go I’ll find a way to end the pain, next time they won’t find me in time.

 

 

 

 

Part Two

 

Looking back now I can see where things started to change. As the only girl in the family I suppose I was treated differently.  My brothers were always watching out for me. Not that I needed watching in that way.  I just never found boys interesting.

 

It may have been that having brothers around talking about girls and listening to them talk about sex when they didn’t think I was listening.  The way they put girls down and made jokes about getting in their pants.

I didn’t ever want some guy talking about me like that. I suppose that is why I got the reputation for being a goody two shoes.

 

I was very active in school. I played sports, was part of the student council, acted in the school play.  But when it came to dating the guys gave up on me because I wouldn’t make out with them, or even kiss them. My idea of a date was a movie or school sponsored dance. It got so bad that I didn’t even have a date for the prom.

 

It was not because of my looks, I was pretty, and I had a good figure. I’d had the talk with my mom about sex, and had gone through sex ed. I guess I never thought that much about it when my hormones didn’t go wild when the boys were around like the other girls did.  My girlfriends just thought I had other things on my mine and didn’t press me about it. Well, until my senior year.

 

A new girl moved in the house across the street.  She was my age and like me she was pretty.  The day she moved in I went by to meet her.  It was strange how we seem to like each other right off.  I had a car and offered to drive her to school and we became good friends almost instantly.

 

That wouldn’t be important except I turned away from the other girls I had known to be with Judy. We became inseparable. On weekends we made plans together, we went to movies, we studied together. If we weren’t at one house we were at the other’s.

 

Like me Judy showed no interest in boys. Since I had never give it much thought I didn’t even notice it about Judy. Then one night after she had been there two months she invited me to spend the weekend at her house.  Her parents were going to be busy all weekend and we would be alone to do what we liked. They were involve in business that kept them out late nights and on weekends they had meetings to attend and were gone most of the day.

 

Even though I lived just across the street, I packed some things so I wouldn’t have to run home for a change of clothes. On Friday we went to a movie and then stopped for a bite to eat afterward. When we finally got to her house we were both still keyed up.

 

I knew that Judy’s room had only her bed and I thought I’d be spending the night in the guestroom. Judy had other plans. Judy suggested we take a bubble bath together. I had never taken a bath or a shower with another girl before. Judy convinced me it would be fun so I gave in and she went to start the water.

 

I started to undress and was down to my panties when Judy returned. She stood in the doorway watching me.  A smile on her face and a look I had not seen before. It was lust!  I realized she had never seen me naked before. We had different Phys Ed classes.  She didn’t play any sports and so we never shared a locker room before. I began to cover up my breast when she stopped me, “You have a beautiful body and you must learn to appreciate it.” 

 

She quickly joined me in my nakedness and we went into the bath. The bath was a Jacuzzi as well and she had the jets going and the bubbles were foaming. I slid in one end and Judy got in the other. At first we just lay there letting the warm water relax our bodies. The jets suddenly stopped and it got quiet. As I lay there with my eyes closed enjoying the warm water I felt Judy’s foot slid along my thigh. She was using her foot to message my leg.

 

It was my initiation into the world of lesbianism. I’m sure I wanted it, almost expecting it. Judy was different from the other girls. I think that is what attracted me to her. When she got bolded and her toes touched my breast my nipples grew hard and excited. No boy had made me feel this way. When I didn’t reject her advances her hands replaced her feet and toes.

 

The touch of her fingers when they explored me sliding through my lips and rubbing my clit brought a sigh and a moan of joy. As she worked her magic on my body she drew my hand to her and I began discovering the pleasure I could give. As she did to me I tried to match each new touch excited me more. I had never masturbated before so when the explosion of orgasm burst forth my body jerked and trembled.

 

Judy laughed, “So this is your first time, how does it feel?”

 

“My god does it always feel this good?” I asked her.

 

“That was only the beginning, we will have many more things to explore and enjoy.”  I could hardly wait.

 

2.

 

 

That weekend was the beginning. But it was also the beginning of the end.  I knew I could never tell my parents or my brothers about this.  I would have to bear the secret on my own. My parents had always talked of grandchildren, marriage and my ultimate happiness.  How could I ruin that for them?

 

Now that Judy’s secret was out with me she became very possessive of me. I tried to explain that I had to act as if nothing had changed.  That I should still seem interested in boys, have dates and pretend I was interested in them. I had to keep the appearance up for my family. Judy said she understood and would try to cool it. 

 

When graduation time arrived everything came to a boil.  I had been accepted to State and was planning to start with the summer semester because of my sports scholarship. Judy was furious. We had talked about taking he summer and traveling together; she totally ignored me when I told her I might not be able to go.  It was if I was abandoning her.

 

Try as I could I wasn’t able to console her. Neither of us had told our parents about how we felt toward each other. We agreed it would have hurt them dearly. We decided to spend our last weekend together. We told our parents we were going shopping and would stay over night in a motel. To cover our tracks we did go shopping but we knew what we were getting so didn’t spend a lot of time in the mall.

 

In the room we made love with such passion yet tenderness. It seemed to go on endlessly. We order pizza in so we didn’t have to get dressed. Judy made one last plea for me to change my mine.  I stood fast and she began to cry. I held her until the sobbing stopped then I fell asleep.

 

The hospital:

 

“When did you discover her?” the female officer was asking me. “Had she been despondent about anything, maybe told you she was going to kill herself?”

 

What had happened? I woke up and went into the bathroom and Judy was lying in the tub in a pool of blood. I screamed and screamed. Finally I got to the phone and screamed into it that my girlfriend was dying and please send someone to help. I wrapped towels around her wrist to stop the bleeding. Her eyes were closed and she wasn’t responding.

 

What was I going to tell our parents? Would they understand what we felt for each other? Maybe if we had told our parents the truth about how we felt this would not have happened. Oh God I want to die too. I can’t face this alone.

 

Each year thousands of young girls attempt to take their lives. Tragically many succeed. But what are missed in the numbers are the many girls who are locked in a world of lesbianism. Afraid to tell their parents and friends for fear of being shunned.

 

Many Hide the facts until it is just too much to handle anymore and chose to end their young lives rather than face up to those who should love them. Families have turned them away already. Many have tried unsuccessfully to go back home and work it out.

 

Society has changed, being different is okay, and having children with out being married is a national pastime. Why then is it so hard for us to accept the life styles of our children when they are different from our own.

Yes religions frown on it, being devoutly religious is as good an excuse as any other.

 

There comes a time when we must choose our children or what ever the other may be. Then if you can live with your decision the tragedy of suicide is yours to bear.